Shit Christians Say to Atheists: Translated (Part 3)

More clich├ęd Christian ‘challenges’ which have been floating around for a while now. Just a little more shit to clean up and then we’ll wash our hands of this mess.

“You can’t see love or air. I suppose you don’t believe in them either?”

Translation:

“Please God, don’t let them bring up oxytocin levels, or the fact that air has weight!”

“If God isn’t real, why do you spend so much time and energy opposing him?”

Translation:

“I’m so clueless that I don’t get that you are not opposing God, but the belief in God. I don’t see that you think that believing in imaginary beings can have very real negative consequences.”

“America was founded as a Christian nation. If you don’t like it, then leave!”

Translation:

“If only we could get back to the good old days of slavery, genocide, and the subjugation of women!”

“If you don’t believe the Bible, then why are you quoting it?”

Translation:

“Apparently I don’t recognize when you are showing me that the book I hold as authoritative is internally contradictory, and in conflict with the discoveries of science, history, and archeology.”

“God’s Word says…”

Translation:

“I think the Bible has magical powers and will bring you under its spell, if I keep quoting it!”

“If men came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?”

Translation:

My vast knowledge of evolution comes from watching Ray Comfort and Ken Ham video clips online. Have you ever noticed how a banana reveals intelligent design?”

“I’m offended!”

Translation:

“Why aren’t you playing along and treating my crazy beliefs with the same level of respect as I do? I demand that my ideas be treated as special, otherwise I will end this conversation.”

“Christianity is not a religion. It’s a personal relationship with Jesus.”

Translation:

“I talk to an invisible guy who died 2000 years ago, sing love songs to him, and do cannibalization role-play with crackers and wine. Basically, not much different than any other relationships in my life.”

“I know God is real. He answers my prayers.”

Translation:

“I arrive at this conclusion by ignoring all the times my prayers failed, and latching onto the few times that circumstances played out in a favorable way. It works best if I don’t keep track too carefully.”

“As C. S. Lewis said, Jesus was either Lord, Liar, or Lunatic. There are no other options.”

Translation:

“Lewis and I both ignore the fourth option -that the gospels do not provide reliable information about Jesus. That Aslan lion was just so cute in the Narnia movies. How can you not believe?”

“So many followers of Jesus have died for their faith. Would the disciples and other believers have died for a lie?”

Translation:

“I have a weak grasp of history. No one has ever gone to their grave either self-deluded, or following a lie. Forget the fiery demise of David Koresh and his followers, and Jim Jones and his poisoned Kool-Aid, and the Heaven’s Gate cult.”

“Can I pray with you?

Translation:

“ I’d never let Mormon missionaries into my house, or permit you to read me a chapter of a Christopher Hitchens book, but of course, you should play pretend and let me talk to my Invisible Friend on your behalf.”

“You’re still religious. You’ve just made yourself a god.”

Translation:

“Since I am not allowed to think for myself, I view independence and rational decision-making as a godlike trait. In my confused mind, personal responsibility and self-determination equals self-worship.”

“The Outsider Test for Faith: How to Know Which Religion Is True by John Loftus? Nope, never heard of it.”

Translated:

“Sounds like exactly the kind of book I DON’T need to read. Sure as hell not going on my Amazon wish list!

Written by J. M. Green

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